


The Unexpected

by Illyana



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: AU: Darcy and Jane as Villains! (Sorta), Alternate Universe - Soulmates, BAMF Darcy Lewis, F/M, Gen, Girl Power, More like girls who just don't take shit from SHIELD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-12 05:04:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5653420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illyana/pseuds/Illyana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soulmates AU! Written for the 2015 Darcy/Steve Secret Santa exchange. Darcy and Jane are a thorn in SHIELD's side. So they send in the Big Gun to dissuade them. It backfires spectacularly when the Big Gun ends up being Darcy's soulmate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unexpected

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Spacecadet72](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spacecadet72/gifts).



> This is crack -- utter crack, I say! With some fluff and sass and Christmas undertones slipped in. 
> 
> For Spacecadet72. The prompt was: slipping on a patch of ice, oversized sweaters, and caroling. Spacecadet72 said they like fluff and AUs so I included both! Perhaps more AU than you were expecting, but... I hope you like it!
> 
> NEED TO KNOW: Post Thor and Post Avengers. Jane was SUPER pissed SHIELD took all her stuff. So no way was she going to take a job contract with them. Darcy? Well, she just reaaalllllyyyy wanted her iPod back. And also, ya know, wanted to help her friend. So she recruited her old pal Wade Wilson (aka Deadpool) to help them steal their stuff back from SHIELD. Darcy and Jane have been on the run ever since, trying to conduct Jane's experiments and stay one step ahead of SHIELD. Deadpool keeps them stocked up on enough toys to help them evade SHIELD, but when Fury sends in his Big Gun to deal with them, things don't go quite as expected...
> 
> Also, apologies to any scientists out there as the stuff I wrote is complete made-up poppy cock.

“Darcy, are you sure you read the metacosmological spectrometer right?” Jane was busy adjusting her two topographic dimensional augmentors, but looked up when no answer followed her question.

 

She saw Darcy furiously typing away on her computer, trying to scramble the signals their equipment was giving off and buy them some more time before SHIELD showed up. Well, Darcy was _trying_ to type. Her hands, covered in bulky gloves as they were, didn’t move with their usual dexterity. And every so often, Darcy would scowl and have to backspace and retype whatever code she’d just sent out into the ether.

 

Still, preoccupied or not, that didn’t explain her silence. Darcy was the queen of multitasking. “Darce?” Jane repeated.

 

Darcy didn’t pause in her task. “Jane. You know I don’t speak scientific gobbledygook. _English_ , Foster.”

 

Jane sighed. “ _Fine_. Are you sure you read the square doohickey with the roly-poly ball right?”

 

“I checked it three times, Jane. If you make me check it again, we’re gonna run out of time before Perry the Platypus and his merry band of killjoys crash the party.”

 

Jane groaned, but went back to work on her machines. “I actually understood that reference. _No more Nickelodeon, Darcy._ It’s starting to take up valuable brain space that could be occupied by science!”

 

Darcy stopped working for a moment and stared up at Jane with a truly offended expression. “Oh my God, Jane. Perry’s on Disney Channel. Get your cartoons straight woman, before I revoke your genius card.”

 

Jane chucked a non-essential screw at Darcy, who snickered as she went back to work. “Hey Jane?” Darcy casually asked as she finished up her code sequence. “Next time, do you think you could detect your Rosencrantz and Guildenstern particles somewhere that’s _not_ as cold as the Snow Miser’s left teat?”

 

“Eistein-Rosen particles, Darcy.”

 

Darcy waved her off. “Tomato, to-mah-to.”

 

“At least the weather is seasonally appropriate.”

 

“Jane. I’m Jewish. I don’t care that it’s officially a ‘White Christmas’. You dragged me away from sunny temperate beaches for _this_ ,” she gestured at the frigid land around them. “Inexcusable, Jane.”

 

“Sorry not sorry?”

 

“Ugh. Whatever. But heads up, we’ve got about, oh, twenty minutes until the bogeymen show up so make ‘em count.”

 

“Only twenty minutes?” Jane despaired.

 

Darcy shrugged. “It’s _SHIELD_.”

 

“Okay, okay. Help me move this, will you?”

 

Darcy helped Jane maneuver the two augmentors so that they were separated by ten feet, the firing nozzles pointed at each other, precise down to the millimeter.

 

“Tick tock, boss lady. Five minutes and counting.”

 

Jane nodded. “Let’s do this.”

 

She went to flip the switch that would activate both machines simultaneously, but Darcy quickly reached out and stopped her. “Jane,” she began, in a chastising, maternal tone. “What did we learn last time?”

 

“We don’t need goggles,” Jane waved her off. “I fixed that bug.”

 

But Darcy wouldn’t take no for an answer. With a shake of her head, she put on her own goggles before then forcing some on Jane. _Always secure your own mask before reaching over to help others_ , she thought with a smirk.

 

Required safety features observed, Jane finally activated the machines. Darcy was pleased that nothing blew up this time. She was less pleased by the damn near supersonically loud BOOM that immediately set her ears to ringing.

 

“Ear muffs!” Darcy shouted. “Why did I not think of the ear muffs?!”

 

“What?” Jane shouted back, but there was no point in answering so Darcy just shook her head.

 

The lasers that shot out of the two augmentors connected in the middle, the streams of energy colliding, sparks flying everywhere. Darcy and Jane waited, Darcy recording the trial with whatever scientific thingamabob Jane thrusted at her earlier.

 

But nothing was happening. Well, _something_ was happening. They were melting the ice surrounding them in bumfuck Siberia and Darcy was fairly certain she’d lose at least half of her hearing before this was all over. ( _Okay, okay, probably all of it. Half was lost in her Megadeath and Slipknot phase back in undergrad.)_ But nothing explicitly science-y was going on, as was clearly evidenced by the furious anguish on Jane’s face.

 

She killed the lasers and threw the remote on the melting tundra floor in frustration. “No! Damnit! The indicators were all there and I was sure I’d worked out all the glitches. This should have worked!”

 

Darcy patted her on the back consolingly. “There, there, sad panda. We’ll get back to civilization and figure it out over pop-tarts.”

 

Jane picked up her (now broken) remote with a grumble. “The blue raspberry ones?”

 

“I’ve got a whole flat of ‘em back at the lair… assuming we ever make it back.” Darcy pointed at the inbound SHIELD helicopter, whose approach had been hidden by the obnoxiously loud sounds Jane’s augmentor had been putting off.

 

“Shit!” Jane exclaimed, hurriedly packing everything up and shoving it into their own aerial vehicle. “I need at least five… make that ten minutes to pack all of this without damaging any of the components. Darcy, can you stall?”

 

Darcy snorted and pulled out one of her specially designed weapons that had been a gift from her good friend, and occasional illustrious criminal. _(And who knew? Santa really_ did _wear a red suit.)_

“You’ve got three.”

 

About a quarter of a mile out, a figure dropped from the airplane and started running their way. The SHIELD helicopter continued on, mounted guns firing off and trying to destroy their equipment (but careful not to hit either Jane or Darcy).

 

Jane shrieked and, without any weapon of her own, settled for throwing snow up at the firing SHIELD agents. “Stop shooting at my dimensional augmentors, you science-suppressing, bureaucratic assholes!”

 

Darcy remained unphased, as their own get away plane was equipped with anti-attack countermeasures and began firing back automatically, forcing the SHIELD copter to swerve away.

 

“Huh,” Darcy remarked as the approaching figure drew ever closer. “No Rocky and Bullwinkle this time. Looks like we’re stuck with Captain Tight Pants.”

 

Jane continued hurrying the equipment into their plane, but threw back over her shoulder, “Wait, shouldn’t the redhead and the archery guy be Boris and Natasha?”

 

“Nope. When they blow us off for some _way_ less cool arch nemesis, they get demoted to the squirrel and the moose.”

 

Though, Darcy had to admit, she was a little flattered that SHIELD was getting annoyed enough by their scientific shenanigans to send in their big gun. It’s not just any Hannibal, Hans, or HAL 9000 that gets Captain freaking America sent after them. If the man was even half as good and pure and patriotic as the media made him out to be, Darcy almost felt bad about having to shoot him. _Almost_.

 

Darcy raised her gun as Captain America approached. He had his shield ready at hand, but seemed hesitant to use it to do much more than block whatever she was planning to fire at him. _Good,_ Darcy thought. _Underestimate us. Like people have my whole life._

 

And apparently he’d overheard Darcy’s comments to Jane during his approach, because the first words out of his mouth were, “Agents Barton and Romanoff are busy preventing a diplomatic catastrophe. You’ll have to settle for me this time.”

 

Darcy’s jaw just about dropped open. No way. _No WAY_ was Captain America her freaking soulmate! It just… wasn’t possible. A guy like that would never go for a girl like her. And hell, she couldn’t even imagine what kind of crack the universe had been smoking if they thought her soul’s true mate was some straight-laced, rigid, sir-yes-sir military type. Cause that’s just… _No._

 

“Put down the gun,” the Captain ordered in a stern, I’m-used-to-people-doing-what-I-fucking-say voice. “And step away from the… whatever that is,” he gestured at Jane’s equipment.

 

Darcy was frozen still, shocked by this turn of events. (And also, huh, Barton and Romanoff? She’d decide later if she’d ever actually use the names or just stick to quippy monikers that always made Katniss laugh just a little. Hey, just because you’re trying to incapacitate each other doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, right?)

 

But Jane was a flurry of activity, loading the last of the equipment as the Captain raised his shield to stop her. “Darcy!” Jane cried.

 

That, at last, snapped Darcy out of her reverie and she reacted on instinct. With her right hand, Darcy fired her gun. Captain America blocked it, as she knew he would. (And hell, the precise shot she fired would have gone an inch wide of any body part. Just because SHIELD annoyed the crap out of them didn’t mean Darcy _actually_ wanted to hurt any of them.)

 

But with her left hand, Darcy slipped out her hidden dart gun and hit Captain America in the side of the leg with a tranq. One Wade had assured her would work (at least temporarily) on metahumans. And she’d made damn sure that wasn’t just bullshit. She’d shot him with one of the darts to test the efficiency. (And hey, don’t look at her like that. He stole Jane’s last box of pop tarts. You _do not_ touch the pop tarts.)

 

For a moment, Captain America didn’t seem phased by the tranq at all. He ran forward and Darcy squelched a terrified yip. She may be an excellent shot, but she was admittedly _shit_ at hand to hand. And no way in hell was she really going to shoot her soulmate so…

 

But her worries were for naught. As on his third step, Captain America stumbled in his footing, suddenly getting woozy. He tried to shake it off, continue onward, but his clumsy steps caused him to slip right on a patch of ice and down he went, landing with a startlingly heavy crash.

 

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit.” _Wait, should I be cursing in front of a national icon? Did I just lose demerits?_

 

“Darcy, come on!” Jane called, about to climb into the plane.

 

“Uh, Jane?” Darcy responded, voice wavering. “We’ve got a problem. I think I just shot my soulmate.”

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 _Assess the situation._ That was the first thought Steve Rogers had upon waking in an unfamiliar room. Well, no. That wasn’t quite true. The _real_ first thought Steve had was, _Clint and Natasha can_ never _hear of this._ Captain America – felled by a girl SHIELD had determined high risk for evasion and only moderate risk for physical harm. He’d never hear the end of it.

 

Then again, who was he kidding? Of _course_ Natasha was going to hear about it. Hell, in deep undercover in Colombia or not, Natasha probably _already_ knew.

 

Steve shook the thought off and returned to his objective – assess the situation. When he noticed he was only restricted by a pair of handcuffs that tethered him to the wall, Steve smirked. The situation was looking up.

 

And then he tried breaking said handcuffs. He was shocked that it didn’t seem possible. That was _absurd_! He was Captain America. He should have been able to rip through those handcuffs like cheap wrapping paper. What was going on?

 

The door suddenly opened and in walked his captor. Or one of them, at least. The jaw-dropping brunette who looked like she’d walked straight out of an Alberto Vargas painting. Steve pushed aside his attraction and fixed her with his best Captain America Glare (patent pending).

 

“Oh, you’re awake. Much sooner than we expected, but hey, guess that’s a benefit of the super soldier package deal, huh?”

 

Steve blinked at her, long and slow, his brain having trouble processing. “What… what did you say?”

 

“Oh shit,” the woman ( _Darcy Lewis_ , he reminded himself, _her file said her name is Darcy Lewis.)_ said. “Are those your words too? So you saying mine wasn’t just some incredibly implausible fluke?”

 

Steve stared at Darcy Lewis, flabbergasted. And then, he laughed. A full-bellied, steal-your-breath-away laugh. Darcy crossed her arms under her chest, looking rather put out. “It’s not _that_ funny.”

 

“No, you’re right,” Steve answered sarcastically (but with no real bite). “There’s nothing funny about my soulmate being on SHIELD’s enemies-at-large list and handcuffing me to her wall. Nothing funny at all.”

 

Darcy’s lips quirked, as if she was suppressing a smile. “Would we classify Jane and I as your enemies? I always saw us more as rogue scientists unwilling to be chained down by the man.”

 

Steve lifted an eyebrow at that. “Rogue scientists who _broke into a secured SHIELD facility_ and stole equipment deemed hazardous.”

 

“It isn’t really stealing if it was _our_ equipment in the first place, Captain.”

 

“Steve,” he responded automatically.

 

Darcy’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline. “Are we really on a first-name basis now? Isn’t that a little odd, given the circumstance?”

 

“ Ms. Lewis, I was frozen in the Arctic for seventy some years and just found out my soulmate is a mad scientist and _not_ a doctor or a nurse like I always assumed. Odd is my new normal.”

 

“Darcy,” she corrected with a grin. “And I wouldn’t classify myself as a mad scientist, per say. More like the person-in-charge-of-keeping-the-mad-scientist-fed-watered-and-rested.”

 

“I think we’ll have to come up with an abbreviation. Not sure all that would fit on a business card.”

 

“Tell me about it.”

 

“So,” Steve continued, jingling the handcuffs. “You wouldn’t be in the mood to uncuff me and turn your back on this life of crime, would you?”

“Again, criminal is a little harsh. We get permits to be in every country we visit – and no, _Steve_ , the stealing back what was stolen from us thing does _not_ count.”

 

“You could still come work for SHIELD. Lot more toys, and a lot less us trying to take them from you.”

 

“You’ll have to talk to Jane about that one. Where she goes, so goes my nation.”

 

Steve referenced the handcuffs yet again. “Let me go and I’ll be happy to.”

 

Darcy shook her head ruefully. “You really can’t get out of them? Boy, Wade was right about those things.”

 

“Wade?”

 

“My friend who gave them to me. He said they were made from the strongest metal on earth and I shouldn’t waste them on kinky shit.” She paused for a moment, considering. “Or maybe I have that backwards. Oh, whoops, I’m not supposed to curse in front of you, right, Mr. Nonagenarian?”

 

At the mention of kink and handcuffs, Steve had flushed bright red. But he looked up at her from underneath his (impossibly long, _how did they get so distractingly long,_ Darcy wondered) lashes and said, “Ma’am, I don’t know what you’ve heard. But I’m not as fucking pure as you think I am.”

 

There was no malice or spite behind his words or tone. Only a playful teasing, with a hint of promise. Darcy shivered. She _really_ _hoped_ that was a hint of promise, at least. She hadn’t been able to keep from noticing, when she and Jane had cuffed him during his period of unconsciousness, that he was… pleasantly built. (Not that Darcy had taken any sort of liberties, but there were just certain things you couldn’t help but notice about Captain – _Steve, he said call him Steve_ – and that was one of them.)

 

Darcy licked her lips, ready to reply when – BOOM! A loud explosive noise ripped through the air and the claxons started sounding, indicating the walls of the lair had been breached.

 

Darcy rushed to her feet and hurried back into the main room, Steve yelling after her to throw him the keys. But she couldn’t be bothered with that now. Jane had been in the main room. She had to get to her. Had to make sure she was alright –

 

Running into the center of the commotion, Darcy was stunned to see the east wall completely knocked out and the mother fucking Avengers gathered in what was basically their living room.

 

Iron Man had his repulsor beams at the ready and Ginger Snaps and Katniss were back from whatever mission Steve had been talking about, weapons locked and sighted on Jane. Darcy made to step in front of her best friend, but then a (for once) deadly serious Agent Barton (she was guessing the purple Robin Hood was Barton, if only because there was something undeniably Russian about Romanoff) fixed his bow on her and Darcy’s self-preservation kicked in, freezing her movement.

 

Just then, a loud crash resounded from the other room and in rushed her soulmate, handcuff still attached to his (now slightly bloody) wrist and a piece of her wall hanging off the other end. “Stop! Everybody calm down. Lower your weapons.” When no one did (and boy was Darcy really wishing she’d put on that bullet proof vest Wade had given her, though that begged the question, would it stop arrows too?) Steve glared at his teammates. “Barton, I would really appreciate it if you would not shoot my soulmate. So again, lower your damned weapons.”

 

Everyone looked appropriately shocked by the revelation (Iron Man going so far as to flip up his face plate and shout “excuse me?!”), except for Jane (who already knew) and Natasha, whose intimidatingly blank expression never shifted. (And by damn, Darcy was going to have to ask her for lessons in badassery if everyone got out of this with all of their limbs.)

 

“Let’s all calm down and use our words,” Steve said.

 

“I’ve got one for you,” Iron Man snapped. “Felony. Kidnapping. Destruction of government property. Generally poor fashion taste.”

 

“They shot up my stuff first!” Jane cried at the same time Darcy exclaimed, “Rude!”

 

And you know what, maybe Jane’s flannel shirt with mustard stains and Darcy’s bargain bin ensemble weren’t the most fashionable of choices, but it’s not like she knew she was going to meet her soulmate and the Avengers today. Actually no, screw that. Even if she had known, she’d have worn the same damn thing because this is who she is and they can take it or leave it.

 

“I think Mensa’s going to have to revoke your membership, Tony, because that was more like ten words.”

 

Darcy couldn’t help but snort at Steve’s sass. If sarcasm and potentially kinky bedroom shenanigans ( _please let there be kinky bedroom shenanigans_ ) were part of the package deal with this guy, maybe the universe got it right after all.

 

“And also,” Darcy couldn’t help but pipe up. “If you arrest us and throw us into SHIELD’s dungeon or whatever, I’ve got a friend that’s a couple of candles short of a menorah. He tends to be more of a ‘disembowel first, ask questions later’ type of guy. It’s better for everyone if he doesn’t get the dissuadable desire to get involved, trust me. And… you know… it’s _Christmas_. So…”

 

“Fine,” Tony gritted out. “You wanna sit in a circle and sing kumbaya, let’s do it. You were the one who got kidnapped by a couple of barely legals, so let’s talk, Capsicle.”

 

And talk they did.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Really it was the science that did it. Or more like, Jane’s brain and its mastery of the science. She explained what she was trying to do – recreate an Einsten-Rosen Bridge – and how it would be an astrophysical game-changer. (And, you know, it’d also have the added benefit of reuniting Jane with her soulmate Thor. But Jane had known the Alien Adonis for all of a week, so she was mostly thinking with her science brain and not her lady parts. Like, a solid 90/10… okay, more like a 65/35, but still.)

 

Tony was already salivating over the thought of being a part of that kind of a scientific breakthrough (and Jane was _so close_ ). And then Jane and Darcy relayed the injustice of SHIELD stealing all of their work and how it wasn’t really stealing if you’re just taking it back. Which Tony and his no-mister-secretary-you-can’t-have-my-ironman-suit attitude totally got.

 

And thus came about what Darcy had come to call The Deal Of A Lifetime. Namely the deal Tony offered Jane – come work/live in Stark Tower, have every experiment and machine you could desire completely funded, and never worry about SHIELD stealing your shit again. And oh yeah, sure, you can bring your wacky assistant along with you. ( _Scientist wrangler, thankyouverymuch Tony.)_

 

With a few added stipulations ( _Jane has autonomy and owns her work, the pop tart supply must ALWAYS be replenished, and you will find a way to FINALLY get Darcy her beloved iPod back – and no, Tony, replacing it with a Starkplayer does not count_ ) the deal was set. Natasha and Clint helped smooth things over with SHIELD. And Jane and Darcy moved into the tower poste haste.

 

The lab was everything Tony had promised and more. And while Jane was suitably distracted with all the new and shiny, Darcy was completely preoccupied by the fact that she was living under the same roof as _Pepper Mother-Fucking-Boss-Ass-Bitch Potts_.

 

Yeah, she wasn’t gonna get over that anytime soon.

 

And, you know, there was also the added benefit of living three floors down from her soulmate. Darcy had wavered at first, unsure if moving so close to Steve was rushing too fast (even unintentionally so). But he was gone on SHIELD missions enough that it didn’t feel overbearing.

 

And when he was back? Well, Darcy hadn’t known much stability in her life. But there was just something about curling up with Steve in front of the TV, cocooned by his warmth and a pile of blankets, and watching old 1950s movies that made her think _‘This is what home must feel like.’_

 

Almost a year to the date, they were in Brooklyn, enjoying the holiday decorations and singing along with the carol singers they passed. (Well, Steve was singing along. Darcy didn’t know any of the traditional Christmas songs, but did a damn fine job of spectating if she did say so herself.) Steve was taking her on a tour of all his old haunts – the park he and Bucky would play baseball in on Christmas Day, the once-market (now electronics store) where he’d purchase some roast or turkey for his ma as a Christmas surprise (one he’d saved up for months in advance) before she passed; they even visited the old building where he used to live. And though there was loss in his eyes and his voice as he relayed the ghosts of Christmas past, there was joy there too. Happiness in the remembering of the good times. And happiness in the forging of new memories.

 

Darcy hugged Steve tight as they headed towards his motorcycle so they could make it back to the tower in time for Tony’s (wildly over extravagant) Christmas Eve dinner. She pressed a kiss to his jacket-covered shoulder blade, where her soul mark words were imprinted on his skin.

 

Steve turned to face her, his thumb rubbing a circle over her hip (where his words were etched). “I don’t know that I ever said thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

Steve smiled at her, a bit mischievous. “For shooting me in the leg and absconding with me back to your evil lair.”

 

Darcy laughed. “You can’t say I don’t know how to make a first impression.”

 

“Definitely not,” he agreed. His eyes turned serious as his hands came up to cup her face, gazing down at her like she was the only thing that mattered. “I love you, Darcy Lewis.”

 

She’d known it for months, of course. All the little ways he’d revealed his true emotions – leaving behind his oversized sweaters for her to burrow into when he was gone and she missed him, visiting her in Jane’s lab with a bag of gummy worms and herbal tea when she was on her period and miserable, finding a way to always call or text her at least once a day (no matter how deep undercover or radio silent he was on a mission) because he knew she’d worry otherwise.

 

But there was something about hearing him say it, hearing him put it out there into the universe, that made her heart sing with jubilation. Darcy smiled, so widely it almost hurt. “I love you too, Steven Grant Rogers,” she whispered.

 

And with tiny snowflake flurries falling around them, Steve Rogers kissed Darcy Lewis. And though they were surrounded by reminders of his past, he held onto her tight and let the sorrowful nostalgia be replaced fully by the joy of knowing he had found his future.


End file.
